Ego Deditionem

I have got into the bad habit of checking Facebook for anything interesting if I happen to wake up in the night. It’s a bad habit. There was a comment made on a friend’s post. It dragged me out of my half asleep mode into a “how-dare-she-write-that” kind of thought spiral.

Remember that moment in Ananias’ life when God told him to go and see Saul/Paul? And how he listed Saul/Paul’s faults as if God needed to be told? Well, I had my own Ananias moment telling God, as if He didn’t already know, why the comment writer was in no fit place to write the comment that was written.

God’s word to me was “Back down! Surrender!” What was it to me what was written, by whom, in response to what? It wasn’t.

I am not intending to make the word “surrender” my one word for the year. I have done these things in previous years and it has turned out to be not for the whole year but a week or two. Much like the usual New Year resolution. I like chasing down the Latin word for these things – so “Ego Deditionem” it is.

The word surrender had been popping up all through last year. I am, in the general and possibly vague sense, surrendered simply because I am a Christian. It’s in the Christian DNA. Sometimes, however, it’s a noun. It describes what I am rather than what I do. Lately God is talking about verbs. He calls me to surrender on some point or another.

Having been around for a while, as a Christian, teacher, preacher, theology degree holding person, sermon-soaker-upper, I have baggage. It’s a collection of knowledge gleaned over the decades. Nothing I read in the Bible, nothing I hear from the pulpit comes without a whole stack of information clamouring in my inner ear. This is the surrendering that God is talking about. He calls me to lay all that stuff down. It may be truth, but not the truth that is needed right for this moment. So I lay it down. Sometimes I pick bits up and hold it up to the light, like some great cut diamond with all its facets. Maybe there is a light there to shed on the situation. I’m not one for throwing stuff away bathwater and baby together. The knowledge if there for a purpose. It’s about not presuming that I already know what I need to know or that I already have the answer. It is hard to lay stuff down. It’s far easier to fall in with what’s already there.

So, last night I surrendered. It wasn’t a quiet surrender but one with lots of muttering. I wasn’t happy that God didn’t see things my way and act as instructed. That’s probably not any kind of surrender at all really. It was not a peaceful surrender.

God’s solution was to put me on to a different path. Ages back, on a second hand bookshop, I had picked up a copy of “A Shorter Morning and Evening Prayer”. Not so long ago I had lent it out to a friend. Even more not so long ago I bought a new copy. What can I say? I like liturgy. Picked it up last night to read and sing and pray my way through a Tuesday evening selection.

Psalm 20 was there with its verse 5 challenge - “May we shout for joy over your victory and lift up our banners in the name of our God.” Sometimes, when some people disappoint, like my comment writer on Facebook, we think they don’t deserve their victories – that it’s not fair for some reason or other. But again, God tells me to back off, to surrender, as it’s not my business how He leads another lamb in the flock.

I also read, from 1 John 3, “We ae already the children of God, but what we are to be in the future has not yet been revealed; we shall be like Him because we shall see Him as He really is.”

None of us this side of eternity are the finished article. For all my having been around for a while, as a Christian, teacher, preacher, theology degree holding person, sermon-soaker-upper – for all that baggage of truth and wisdom that I carry, I have not reached the got-it-all-sorted-out point.

In the meantime - ego deditionem

Fighting the Hermit Gene

The end of the year approaches and then there’s the New Year and resolutions, clean slates, starting again, something new.

I begin to think about what I can resolve to do and about what I have resolved to do in previous years and never did.

It’s all got to start in the heart – and that is where my problems lie. I try to change an outside thing and hope that the heart catches on. If it begins in the right place, in the heart, it will work its way out.

I’m not entirely sure I want to go poking about with my insides – my thoughts, my feelings and emotions. It frightens me. The worms are best left undisturbed in the tin.

But.

I am discovering I’m not indestructible. Winter, life-wise, is coming. Daylight hours, life-wise are, are short. I want to live well while I am still living and not merely survive or exist. How does a person live well? What does it even mean?

The fridge magnet has the answer. “Live like someone left the gate open.”

I spend too much time fretting about what might come through the open gate – something that spoils life’s flower bed or stomps over life’s manicured lawn.

The gate left open is for walking through. It’s about having adventures and taking risks rather than playing sate.

Of course, it all takes courage and as I look into my heart I wonder if I have enough.

Thursday’s writing class was about renewal, or recovery or rebirth. There was just the four of us. Four of us sat around the table, pens busy.

Last year, or the year before that, or maybe many years ago, a friend and I didn’t so much as make a resolution, nothing official, nothing that required a hand on the Bible and a solemn declaration – just musing really. We thought it would be a good idea to do something new, something we had never done before, an adventure into the unknown, if you will. It wasn’t a communal thing we planned to do together, just something on our own.

I am very proud to say that I did three things. Three things doesn’t sound a lot but for a person who has built her life-house in a rut, that’s a lot.  Maybe I wouldn’t have done the three things if I hadn’t retired. I fight a hermit gene. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose.

Knitting – I joined a knitting group called Knitter-Natters. My husband assures me that there is another group called “Stitching and Bitching”. I used to knit a lot. Most of what I wore, once upon a time was home made. I knitted and I sewed. In some ways it’s not a new thing.

I’m loving being part of the group though I don’t natter much. It takes me a while to settle in with new people. I have knitted a variety of scarves over the last few months and I have been to more wool-fests that my bank account can deal with. I bought a sock kit. I have never knitted socks before or used a set of double pointed needles. 

“Can I make a suggestion…?” said one of the ladies and the needles were tamed.

Art – There have been times when I have looked at a landscape and wished I could paint it. Yes, I paint with words and what I produce sometimes is stunning.

A friend contacted me to invite me to an art class he was planning to run. We had met through poetry events that stumbled through graveyards and forests.

Art was beaten out of me at school. It was in the days of still life. I shifted over to a more craft based class and spent a year making a fibre-glass tray. It turned out that I was allergic to fibre-glass. Hands swelling and turning red and itchy did not do me any favours. So, yes, art and I had a dodgy past.

We fell in love – art and I.  I discovered colour and texture and marvelled at the world as if I had just opened my eyes. Forget about still life – although a mug and lemon turned out fine.  I loved it. The bank account coughed up for paint and paper and a host of art related stuff. Between knitting and painting the housework never got done.

Walking – What’s new about this is who I’m walking with. The Scottish Waterways Trust has recently started up their winter walks. They are not long journeys, an hour and a half, with a tea break in the middle.

I don’t often walk in company. I have a fitbit which kicks me out of the house to notch up steps, so I do walk often. Sometimes in the New Year we plan to get a dog and dogs need walks.

The lads and lasses at the Waterways Trust plan out the routes. Getting people outside and into nature is a good thing. We are, as a species, becoming less and less at home in nature, and, sadly, more and more suspicious of it. All the remedies for all the ills we experience come in small bottles filled with pills. Nature has the better cure.

The walkers are all shapes and sizes. There’s no rewards for first up the hill. Things are out there to touched and handled, to be picked up and smelled.  Last time there was a tree trunk, fallen over, that just had to be walked along while someone held out a hand to keep you balanced. Kid’s stuff? Playing? Yes, it is. As adults we have become far too sensible and some of us have taken a road with too few risks. It is good to rediscover the adventurer is us all.

My three things. I have made new friends through doing them. I have also connected with myself in a way I didn’t expect.

The hermit gene has taken, perhaps, a fatal blow.

O Sapientia (O Wisdom)

December 17 is the first day of the "O" Antiphons, an ancient part of Christian liturgy.  It dates back to the fourth century. There's one for each day until Christmas Eve. The antiphons describe Christ using seven Messianic titles. They are based on the Old Testament prophecies and types of Christ. The first one is O Sapientia (O Wisdom).

This sonnet was written last year. At the time I was reading Malcolm Guite's advent poetry book "Waiting on the Word". Here is my version of an O Sapientia sonnet.

Our greatest folly is to close the ear

To wisdom’s voice when she reveals the way

And say that ancient paths have had their day

We choose what we think wise, what we hold dear

Yet at the city gate she makes her call

Spreads out her feast, invites us all to eat

Wisdom so rich it makes a man complete

The flush, the broke, the tramp, the king, us all

Come wisdom draw us from our broken wells

From fallen human truth where error dwells

Come wisdom pour on us a cleaner word

That cuts to bone and marrow all we’ve heard

Fill and spill in us ‘til we overflow

And your sweet way in us we thereby show

God's Two Books

It seems that with the cold weather, and the discovery that my new trainers are not waterproof, I’m less inclined to go outside. The steps monitor on the Fitbit watch barely reaches half of the ten thousand steps I am supposed to be doing. The Scottish Waterways Trust to the rescue!

I have taken part in some of their activities in the past – a three week storytelling workshop meeting in an entirely unique barge tethered near the swing bridge, and a climb up to the woods to sit around a campfire listening to tall tales in the dark. This time it was a couple of afternoons spent with their Highland Canal Officers.

Their “Nature Walks for Wellbeing offer the perfect opportunity to get outdoors, enjoy nature and socialise, with the added bonus of a hot drink to keep the cold out! “

“Spending time outdoors and connecting to nature is very beneficial for both our physical and mental health, so don't let the winter weather put you off - come along and join us!”

One of the things that has cropped up often in my quiet times is the solitary nature of life since I retired. I don’t feel lonely, and I have a hermit gene that I struggle with, and the writer within enjoys nothing more than closeting myself in with a cup of tea and composing poetry, so I have to kick myself outdoors.

This week we met bedside the swing bridge and headed off for a walk along the canal to the Lock House and the lock gates out to the Beauly Firth. No hills this time, but a biting wind that threatened to tug the hat from my head. Heads down, shoulders bunched up, gloved hands firmly pushed into pockets, we walked on.

The two lads from the waterways know stuff – like birds. Last week, a wee dot circling high above us was identified as a red kite. It’s all the tail feathers, apparently. This time it was an obscure species of duck that spent lots of time swimming under water catching fish. I looked and saw just ripples. There were also finches hopping around the empty branches of a nearby bush.

There is always a focus to the walk. Last week we had a list of things to scavenge – leaves, pinecones, straight bits of wood, fluffy things and interesting stuff. This time we were encouraged to make a wreath with ivy and other bits of winter foliage. It’s an opt-in-opt-out thing. I opted in and looked at the hedges for bits to decorate my wreath. It wasn’t quite big enough to wear on my head as some of the other ones were.

There is something vaguely reminiscent of my Geography filed trip about these walks. Whether I start at the front walking with the officers, or in the middle of the line trying just to keep breathing as we climb a hill. I always end up at the back. I just walk slower than most people. I have shorter legs than most people. I amble. There’s always a man to keep up the rear. I feel well looked after.

There is a tea stop along the way. One of the lads makes a fire and boils a kettle and the other lad hands out flapjack, a little burnt at the edges. There is something about that cup of tea that makes it taste so good. That’s when the meaningful conversations begin.

I have had a number of “God” conversations. I mention that I’m newly retired. They ask about the job I used to do. I tell them I was a teacher. They ask what subject. I say, “Religious Education”. They ask whether I believe in God. I say “Yes”. And then the conversation opens up. One man had a very Buddhist philosophy of causing no harm. He is not out there to be preached at, so I don’t preach. I talk about how essential God is to my life and how I try to allow Him space to direct my way. It’s a very casual conversation.

Nature is amazing. Most of us know too little about the world around us. It has been good to be taught stuff – about the red kites and their tail feathers, about molehills and clusters of ladybirds. It is good to be in the company of people that can tell you about the rare duck swimming under the water to catch fish.

Early theologians believed that God had two books - the Book of Nature and the Bible. Both books read together lead to a knowledge of God.

I’m reading both books!

I Refuse

the thistles assemble

beside the back gate

significantly taller than

the rhubarb plant they surround

they browbeat the herbs

prickly customers

they have nothing nice to say to the dandelions

but spew thorns

I refuse to be intimidated

though they tower above me

I stamp down on

the spade between their roots

dragging one way then another

they sway a little

then surrender unwillingly

sucking hard on the soil before lifting

those eager for power

assemble in fortresses

vastly richer than the crowd

they deem to protect

they browbeat the downtrodden

stubborn leaders

they refuse to acknowledge another side

but spit invective

I refuse to be intimidated

though they wield power over me

my spade stamped down - 

words spoken or written

work held to ransom

waiting in a queue to vote

I draw my lines in the sand

arms crossed I wait for their surrender

Autumn Garden Walkabout

The Inverness Botanical Gardens aren’t that big. I couldn’t imagine how it would take an hour to walk around it. I hadn’t factored in the stopping and the talking and the advice given. It was more than walking.

As usual I arrived early. There was a cluster of women near the door. There’s a queue? Not at tall. The women were being giving a training session – volunteers. The garden advice they already knew. How to use the till for plant purchases was the mystery being uncovered.

Maybe I’ve only visited the garden in summer. Maybe I have thought that without flowers a garden has nothing on show. I got a glimpse of the backstory, the behind-the-flowers perspective. Flower beds were stripped back to ground level and bare soil.

She, Pam, dressed in gardening garb, full of answers to every question asked, began by pointing out the ivy on the wall – or in this case the lack of it. My next door neighbour has been pulling down his ivy over the summer. The birds made homeless have relocated to a tree, noisy in their disapproval of his ruthlessness. It’s all about the wall. Left unchecked, the ivy root dig deep into cement and motar and the whole thing becomes a Jericho about to happen.

The flower bed beneath the wall was similarly pulled up. Flowers had turned brown and brittle and were taking up space. They’d done their show and, at the end of any show, the stage is dismantled and packed away – bulbs lifted, brushed off, wrapped in newspaper and given the rest of the year off.

The ghost birches begged to be stroked and admired as we passed by. So we stopped to give them praise. There’s nothing wrong with washing down the bark, white bandaged. It was on the to-do list.

She talked about the pond. A heron had sat on the roof of one of the green houses. It had eaten the fish in the outside pond and now gazed lustfully down at the koi fish in the tropical greenhouse. Big momma and papa koi fish circled the pond with nervous upward glances. The younger generation swam on fearlessly.

A quick peak into the potting shed, Pam talked about the perils of plastic pots and how they were moving over to an environmentally friendly pot made from rice husks. With a six year life span they were not cheap but they left no carbon footprint as they passed away. These changes did not come easy to a cash strapped business and had to be argued for with the people that held the purse strings.

Another tree, red barked, lured us over. I liked the “please touch” lure but the flowerbed below made the tree technically inaccessible. Technically? When a person wanted to stroke the tree, the flower bed didn’t stop them. Pam was pleading for a bench that circled the tree trunk. The tree was probably as high as it would grow but the trunk would thicken.

Out through a gate and into the place where the gardeners played. A basket held windfall apples and a pile of scotch bonnet chillies with an invitation to help yourself.  A wigwam, carpeted and cushioned, stood off to one side for children. Insect hotels sprung up by walls and fences. Wild flowers planted last year were cleared away.

Inside the tropical greenhouse we “ooohed” and “aaahed” at a tiny pineapple in its growing and spied a bunch of green bananas high up.

You see what you see and you don’t see other things until they are pointed out to you. Once upon a time, before the cacti had taken over the other room, there had been insects and snakes and lizards in tanks. The stick insects had got out. They had followed God’s command to increase and multiply and fill the space. I wouldn’t have seen the chewed leaves on almost every plant. I wouldn’t have noticed a moving twig. They were causing so much destruction. More active at night, Pam and others had offered to do a night shift, overtime you will, to catch them – the big ones with pink knees about to lay eggs. The purse string holder declined.

The walk came to an end. I went home and raked up the leaves from the back garden – as told to. My own mulched leaves for spring!

A lot of work went into the gardens.  OK so the flowers don’t just appear in their right places in the various beds but I hadn’t realised just how much work went into making it look good, I hadn’t seen the back-to-soil tear-ups, or thought so thoroughly about, even in a garden, watching out for the environment.

We often picture our lives as gardens in need of care. We talk about the weeds that need to be pulled out and the seeds that need to be planted. We talked about ploughing soil and digging up the fallow ground – but we entirely miss the truth that it is an ongoing project.

I think of all the things going on at the botanical gardens, and how vast and varied the garden is. My walk with God is also vast and varied. God is working in my life all the time trying to get me to work with him to dig out the old worn-out sermons ready for some new truth. He wants me to help pull down the pride that digs deep into the walls. He wants the wigwam fun and scotch bonnets to give away. And the stick-insect errors that chew away at revelation, that sound so real, He wants me the chase them down.

 God knows what my life should look like. He knows how to get me from autumn brown and crisp to spring bulb planting and new shoots and onto summer’s blaze of colour. He could do it all by Himself but He chooses not to. He involves me. Not just in my own faith walk. He lets me plant something in, and pull something from, the life of another person. He calls it kingdom living.