Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fixing My Thoughts

There are some many thoughts buzzing around my head these days.

Sometimes I think about the catalogue of mistakes that the hospital made that lead to a simple operation having such tragic consequences.

Sometimes I think about my brother in law and the heart ache that he is going through. I know that he has asked my sister to go over and help sort out Linda’s clothes and jewelry.

Sometimes I think about the funeral, and what to wear, and whether to drive down in the car or take the train. I worry about crying too much and making a fool of myself. I worry about not crying enough and people thinking I didn’t care about my sister.

Sometimes I think a lot about my niece and nephew and how it is too young an age for them to be left without a mother.

Sometimes I think about other people and how my sister’s death means nothing to them. The world hasn’t stopped turning.

Sometimes I think that I ought to be braver. I have these extra resources given by God and I should have a handle on all of this grief.

Sometimes I think I am wallowing in sadness, even though it has not been a week since she died.

Sometimes I think that I will have a Bobby Ewing moment – stepping out the shower to realise that it was all just a dream.

Sometimes I think that I failed to pray enough. I failed to hold her hand as she lay in the hospital bed and rebuke the infection the way some other person might have done. I think I just stood by and let it happen.

So it came as a balm to my heart this morning when I read the words from Hebrews 3:1 - “Fix your thoughts on Jesus..”

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